by Venus Cuckoldress
This article was originally published in ASN Magazine.
There are a couple of questions I get asked most often, one is “How can I get my wife into this?” and the other is “Where can we find a bull?”. I’ve talked about both of these issues on my podcast but today I’m going to tackle the how to find the right bull question.
Many couples find it astonishingly difficult to find someone who will fulfill the role of “bull” in their loving cuckolding relationship - after all, you’d think there would be guys lining up for the opportunity to have no strings attached sex right? In reality, yes there are many guys who are up for casual sex but few who actually understand the dynamics of a cuckolding relationship.
Often missed in the excitement of looking for a bull, is the work that couples need to do prior to embarking on this search. That work involves having discussions around why you want a bull and what purpose will he serve, what exactly do you seek - will it be simply sex, romance, or friendship with sex, and do you want to find an experienced “bull” or just a guy for sexual encounters? Knowing the answers to these questions is important because it helps you to set your expectations and decide where and how to look.
The next and most important conversation that needs to happen with the couple is to sit down and discuss the “what if’s” and rules and boundaries - be prepared to feel uncomfortable with this one but reviewing this now will likely prevent some potentially catastrophic missteps later on down the road. Things to talk about are:
- What if an unplanned pregnancy happens?
- What forms of safe sex practices you would like and what happens if someone contracts a sexually transmitted infection?
- What does consent look like and how to ensure it is clear and ongoing?
- What parameters do you want in place to ensure privacy and discretion and what might happen if someone finds out or you bump into each other in public?
- What kind of boundaries or rules do you want in place to try to protect your relationship?
- What kind of physical safety precautions will you put into place?
- What if you encounter someone who tries to use blackmail or sextortion?
- How much time and effort do you want to invest into finding the right bull?
- Do you want to take your time or dive right in?
- What if one person no longer wants to continue the lifestyle but the other one does?
Now having assumed that you’ve done the preliminary work, figure out how quickly you would like to move on this - and gentlemen let me remind you that the speed at which progress is made should be entirely up to her. If she wants to go slowly then let her just have fun flirting or sexting with other men. She can easily find men to do this with, just be upfront about it. An example would be to write in your profile that you are looking for a flirty friend and be clear that you are not looking for any sex and not looking for a relationship. And of course there are fun flirting opportunities with others while out at a bar or on vacation.
If you are ready to dive right into finding a bull, how will you know when you’ve found a good one? Well the reason they are so rare is because they are not interested in it just for the sex. They are actually passionate about learning about the entire cuckolding dynamic and all of the complexities and possibilities around it. They really understand the relationships between all three people, they have knowledge of and ask about your boundaries and they respect them. They truly love the role of a bull and they immerse themselves in the cuckolding dynamics. They really are a huge benefit to your entire relationship!
I have not had much luck finding experienced bulls on vanilla dating or hook up sites. The unfortunate truth is, the good bulls really aren’t out there looking for you so you have to find them. I’ve had mediocre success on apps like Feeld, AFF, and sites like Fetlife and Black to White, but it’s really hit and miss with those. There are many fakes that you have to sift through and hopefully not get caught up wasting your time on.
There are two really great options though when it comes to finding a great bull:
- Referrals from women in the lifestyle - reach out and ask them if they have someone they would recommend in your area
- Lifestyle events - private lifestyle parties, hotel takeover events like Splash Mocha, or lifestyle related sex clubs or destination parties are all great opportunities to meet multiple bulls and see which ones you like
Lastly there are a few more things to think about during your search. It is not uncommon for people to flake out and cancel at the last minute or just disappear. Bulls do it and couples do it too. It sucks but it’s rampant shitty behavior. Don’t take it personally if it happens to you. Just brush it off and move on. Be very clear and transparent with your expectations and boundaries and recognize that your relationship should always be the most important factor when making decisions around bringing someone into your cuckolding relationship, keeping them there, or letting them go. And be patient; this search can take months or even years. If it’s feeling draining or like a chore, it’s okay to take a break. This kind of relationship should be fun so if it’s not feeling fun then it’s okay to make a change or revisit it at another time.
