[Guest Post] Wired to Compete – How standard Western Masculinity Factors Into Cuckolding Issues

When looking at the cuckolding dynamic from different perspectives, a topic often brought up is the aspect of humiliation. The word humiliation carries all sorts of connotations, mostly negative. When we focus on the end state, shame, we are skipping to the end of a very human dynamic, that of competition. 

Humans, and especially men, are wired to compete. Competition is baked into a male from early in life, especially in the United States. Society raises boys to compete in sports, academics,  and even video games. Gambling is a form of competition. Venus mentioned on a recent podcast episode that cuckolding dynamics are most common in the United States. And that makes sense because the competition is a core value of America. 

And at the end of the day, as much as compersion is a driving factor in the lifestyle, it often pales in comparison to the sheer intensity of feeling the fight or flight trigger of having another man fuck your partner. 

So why does this trigger men

Especially American men? The inherent challenge to someone’s manhood in 2021 and beyond is increasingly difficult for adult men to recapture. The challenge triggers a fight or flight feeling that sports and other outlets used to supply.  As much as sex is about intimacy and communication for women, there are genuine parallels to men’s athletics. But for the average, or even above average male, their athletic career ends in High School or, at best, college.  

The old ABC sports motto, “The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat,” captures the emotional stakes for so many men.  And this goes for both “Bull” and “Cuck.”  The Bull competes on safe ground, using an attached woman to recapture his glory days by reveling in his apparent physical superiority. 

The cuckoldress glories

in the empowerment of having her cake and eating it too, knowing, on some level, she is the ultimate decider of who wins and who loses. She revels in the sheer physicality of her bull, knowing she can play the sexual game with him on a level that her partner cannot match. She gets to live in that rarified air of a kind of sex many other women only dream about.

The kind of sex women often think they had to give up in order to find the stability and emotional support of a reliable life partner. Guys who can fuck like her bull are harder to pin down, perhaps she chased that unicorn for years when younger only to feel like she had to sacrifice either stability or multiple orgasms. Venus speaks powerfully on why it is so enticing to women to have it all, even if it’s not all delivered by one single man. 

For the cuckold, he navigates the high wire emotions of immense stakes and has the emotional fortitude to endure the agony of defeat. This feeling of thrill and agony flips on its head when the bull leaves. The girlfriend returns to her partner, giving him the ultimate prize, the final victory. He may have lost the battle, but he’s won the war. 

About the author:

Will Acorn has lived the complex dynamics of the lifestyle for most of his sexual life. Will has been married to a Queen of Spades for 25 years. His life growing up as an elite athlete in a major inner city gave him a unique insight into the dynamics around this lifestyle from his teens. Acorn is a student of history, societies and cultures and is a strong proponent of Venus’ mission to empower women to take back their sexuality while improving communication, acceptance and understanding about the deeply fascinating aspects of non-monogamy.

Will Acorn on Twitter: https://twitter.com/acorn_will

[Guest Post] Being a mom in a cuckolding lifestyle

My husband and I decided right from the start of our journey into this cuckolding lifestyle that discretion and privacy would be paramount. Family and being a busy mom comes first. That doesn’t mean I don’t want an exciting naughty sex life as well as all that cuckolding has to offer us both, however it does mean that I have to be mindful to manage that somewhat more complicated piece of keeping this part of my life separate from the others. I’m a psychologist in my day job and I think having sex positive discussions with kids especially during the teenage years sets them up for more success as they enter adulthood. Good safe sex is important for us as humans and teaching our kids how to develop in to mature healthy sexual beings is part of parenthood.

Having said that, just as I don’t need to know all about their future sexual endeavors they don’t need to know all about mine either. Sharing age appropriate lessons and mistakes is important, and answering their questions is important, however telling them everything (at least until they are MUCH older) is not okay right now. For example, when I dress up for a date with a bull I’m going to tell them I’m heading out with a girlfriend for dinner and adult time. I might head to the car with my butt plug in, but wait to add my sexiest heels once I’ve left the house, and I’m not going to say “I’m actually skipping dinner, heading straight to this hard bodied guy’s house so that we can fuck for hours, and I’ll be home later so that your dad can reconnect with me by cleaning up my very well used pussy.”

Timing is important. Most of the bulls I’ve enjoyed over the years have been professional type men with busy day jobs. They have however typically been in positions where they can quite easily take time away from work to play during daytime hours. I’ve enjoyed many dates after getting kids to school. Visiting my husband at work after a playful morning to show him just how “full” I am is quite naughty and always gets me off. Daytime isn’t always ideal for everyone though. For those in the cuckold lifestyle you know that reconnecting with your primary man after being with your bull is extremely important. Making all that work with jobs during a limited window of time is challenging.

We’ve scheduled date nights once a month. Sometimes more if I’ve got a new lover who’s body I just can’t hold back exploring. With COVID precautions though, that has been far too long ago! We tell our kids we are going on a date, we both dress up, and it seems like a very normal married couple date night. I love sexy lingerie on my body and I make sure to let my husband see exactly what my bull is going to enjoy before him when I pull my dress off. We leave the house together – after that however date night takes on a less traditional route. My husband will drop me off at a local hotel we frequent often. It’s got a sophisticated sexy vibe. I meet my bull in the bar for a drink. Sometimes my husband doesn’t even know which bull(s) I’m meeting. I like to keep him guessing. The power dynamic is important here. He knows once he drops me off it is about my pleasure. It isn’t leaving him out – quite the opposite. He knows I’m going to have a really good time and he gets huge sexual satisfaction from that waiting.

Once I’ve left the bar to head upstairs I let him know he can come in and wait inside the lobby. Rarely I’ve had him come in sooner to have him watch me flirt and build up the sexual energy with my lover. That however fits more with a hotwife dynamic as opposed to cuckolding. I prefer him to trust that I know how to flirt and that I’m focused on connecting with my bull. It’s about my pleasure at this stage not about putting on a show for him. There is something about walking in to a nice sexy hotel room with your lover knowing you are going to be having dirty erotic sex that just turns me on so much. I’m usually soaking wet before I even get off the elevator. I love my husband more than anyone but at this point in the date I’m focused on my bull and my sexual pleasure.

I love a hard fit man. I love a big cock. I love a man with stamina. I love a man who knows how to fuck. How to fuck me hard. My bull and I will usually enjoy a good few hours of sex with laughing and conversation breaks in between sessions. I genuinely love sucking my bull off. Having my face fucked is amazing. I enjoy the naughtiness of having my ass fucked. My favourite hands down is DP or DV. My best experiences have been with a bull I’ve really built a strong long term connection with who’s got the sexiest of roommates. The two of them know exactly how to fuck me. That dirty, sweaty, I just can’t take more of it, fully pleasured type of sex. In that moment I’m not a mom or wife. I’m a woman who is enjoying herself more than I thought possible. It’s about me (and my lovers – I’m not selfish far from it haha).

Once my bull has left I let my husband know he can come upstairs to join me. This part of the date is my favourite. When he walks into a room that smells of sex, pillows, sheets, my clothes thrown about, hand prints on the windows, wet spots on the couch, and me looking very satisfied. The lust in his eyes is amazing but it’s more than just lust – it’s love. Love for me, for me to experience all that a sexual being can experience, and love that I can be independent and in control of my body and mind. And in return I love him more than anyone I’ve ever loved. Because he is a cuckold, the best way I can show him that love is to sit back on the love seat, spread my legs apart, and have him on his knees as he cleans me up. I hold his hands. I hold his head. We reconnect together. I don’t deny him (well sometimes I do if we are playing that game).

Usually by this point we realize the time is way later than expected. We madly shower, rush to clean up, try to look less umm like we’ve just been fucking, jump in the car and rush home. Kids are usually in bed but still awake, lunches still need to be made for the next day, laundry needs to be to throw in, and dishes need to be unloaded from the dishwasher – real life mom stuff. Done by a mom who loves her kids, her husband, and her life. Her very full life. All of it. Especially the part that stays private.

About the author

Aaron & Simone are a couple who have been transitioning into a cuckold lifestyle over the last 10 years. They are in their 40’s, have a busy family and busy jobs, and busy life, and they keep this fun kink discrete. They are a physician and psychologist who love to communicate and share with others. They’ve learned a lot over the years and want to share whatever they can to help others.

[Guest Post] Transition: Moving from a Hotwife to a Cuckold Relationship

Guest Posts

For our second guest post, we’re featuring an incredibly hot and informative post from a couple! If you’re interested in writing for the Venus Cuckoldress blog, you can find more information here.

If you are a guy reading this you probably share the idea that the woman you love being fucked by another man is highly arousing. You aren’t alone. Depending on the study you read upwards of 50% of men feel the same. If you are a woman reading this you might be thinking why does my man want me to do this?

We are a happily married couple in our 40’s, busy kids, busy lives, busy careers (physician and psychologist) who delved into this lifestyle 10 years ago and want to share some of our experiences in an effort to help others out there thinking about including cuckolding into their intimacy.

We started with some “light” same room swinging and fairly quickly realized we preferred threesomes with another guy. It felt less complicated at the moment but no less challenging to set up. Hotwifing was our thing for the next couple of years. It wasn’t until we moved into a cuckold dynamic that things really clicked for us. This first blog entry is how that came about and why it works for us.

Some popular media will interchange the terms hotwife and cuckold relationship but they are not one and the same. Some aspects overlap but the differences are important and can help start the communication for couples. More men don’t experience the ecstasy this lifestyle can bring with their partners because they don’t know how to communicate.

Opening the cuckolding door isn’t a simple key, it’s a series of complicated locks and bolts, but one of the first keys is understanding that hotwifing is more about the man and cuckolding is more about the woman. Explain this well to your partner and you have got one lock open.

Watching my wife get fucked, really fucked hard, is erotic for both of us. Being inside of her with another man is amazing for both of us. Communicating with the guy and “giving him permission” so to speak was a turn on for me but not for her. In the hotwife dynamic we found another guy together. We both looked at online profiles together. We’d even always do the first meet and greet together. It was very much about me sharing her with another man.

If most guys are honest they will admit they find it exciting looking for that other guy for their partner to be with. Someone bigger, stronger, more virile. The problem with that though is that she isn’t mine to share like some possession – she is her own individual person with her own desires and needs. I’m also not her – she knows her wants and needs better than me.

In cuckolding she is the one seeking out the guy, building the relationship, communicating what her needs are. For most women building that connection with another person will lead to much better sex than if their partner simply finds someone for them to fuck. She then brings that energy and experience back to the primary relationship. It’s an important difference.

Our transition into cuckolding was enlightening for us. It brought us to a higher plane of intimacy. One of our kids was playing high-level soccer and had a coach in his early 30’s. Tall dark handsome type. He was in a relationship, coaching our kid – ethically off-limits. She had always found herself hugely drawn to him.

It wasn’t until a year later when she bumped into him, now single not coaching, that she asked him for coffee. She initiated what she wanted. She didn’t ask me first. We didn’t go to coffee with the 3 of us. She came home after their spontaneous date and told me that she was going to go out with him again and that she was going to embark on a sexual relationship with him. She wanted to fuck him. She had never been more confident, assertive, and independent. She wasn’t asking my permission. She was telling me what she was going to pursue.

She was still a hotwife but now I was cuckolded. I could feel her abandoning her inhibitions and surrendering to lust. It wasn’t that our primary relationship was suddenly less important. There was space for her to have more. For us to have more. It was fucking hot.

They had intense chemistry and built a really great connection. He was on the dominant side and even though he’d never truly been a “bull” before he figured out the role quickly. They had amazing dirty erotic sex. She tried new things. She even enjoyed the occasional threesome with his roommate.

Their relationship flourished but so did ours. We both had a whole new level of energy. We talked more. We loved more. We fucked more. We enjoyed what came from pushing our comfort zone. I tasted and cleaned up after their fucking. I’ll never forget when she came back home late one night and I was cleaning her up and I said “you taste different tonight” and she said “I bet I do. His roommate is mixed in there too.” That experience wouldn’t happen in hotwifing. She was in control of her body. She had decided to let his roommate fuck her. I loved the cuckolding dynamic. Clearly so did she.

When you sit down with your partner to open up this discussion, understand that this is more about her than you. Explain that you want her to be in control. Tell her you’ve been reading about the difference between being a hotwife and cuckolding. Of course, be honest – you have a huge desire to be part of things – not part of setting up the dating, profiles, etc… but part of the intimacy. She will be calmer if she knows she’s in control. You are doing this to enhance the connection you have with her. Compersion is a real feeling – deriving joy from seeing and feeling someone else’s joy.

Yes, you’d be highly aroused if she came home after fucking another man full of his cum but that even more important than that is her comfort and your primary connection. Don’t rush it. Tell her clearly you value the relationship you have above all else but that you don’t want her to ever feel like she belongs to you. She doesn’t. If she finds someone she wants to experience sexually she doesn’t have to ask your permission. You trust her. If you don’t, this isn’t for your relationship!

You also need to make it clear this is not a two-way street. You aren’t seeking another woman. This is about her, NOT you in control. Start the communication. Listen to Venus together. Open. Honest. Communication.

About the authors

Aaron & Simone are a couple who have been transitioning into a cuckold lifestyle over the last 10 years. They are in their 40’s, have a busy family and busy jobs, and busy life, and they keep this fun kink discrete. They are a physician and psychologist who love to communicate and share with others. They’ve learned a lot over the years and want to share whatever they can to help others.

[Guest Post] Past as Prologue

Guest Posts

This is our first guest post from Will Acorn! If you’re interested in writing for the Venus Cuckoldress blog, you can find the guidelines here.

Healthy Communication with Your Partner About Their Past 

For my first guest post I want to talk to partnered men who are curious about how to start the conversation with your wife. Venus and her podcast guests have talked many times about the importance of communication in this lifestyle, especially at the beginning. Venus has talked about the angst that some can feel heading down this road. I would humbly suggest that the best way to start talking about a future in cuckolding is to gently open up communication about the past.  

Maybe you haven’t quite discussed all of your fantasies yet, and perhaps you worry she’ll judge you for thinking about what she experienced before you. Maybe you want to know how you compare. All of that is entirely normal for a couple, and women know it. It’s a hard conversation to start but crucial to setting the stage for exciting possibilities as a couple. If your partner is a keeper, she knows herself and her likes, but she may not know for sure you can handle the whole truth.  

On this website, you see the power of an emboldened, unabashed and unapologetic woman on full display. Venus speaks truth to power when she boldly declares her love of the cuckolding dynamic. As part of her story, she has shared her journey to that world. 

All Experience Is Good Experience

Women are cautious with what they divulge and their sexual history, preferences, and kinks for a good reason. Centuries of patriarchal societies have forced women to adapt to the default expectation of the deferential virgin bride. Historically our culture has instilled a set of perverse incentives and mixed messages on both women and men. 

Women are taught to cater to the fragile male ego, which can be exhausting. But realistically, women have the same inherent drivers to have fulfilling sex lives as men do. 

And quite frankly, a woman who knows what she likes and needs is a much better partner. However, for a woman to fully understand what she needs, she must have experience. All experience is good experience. Experience means your partner has learned herself, what works and what doesn’t. She can help you pleasure her in ways that inexperienced women simply can’t. Sometimes it’s as simple as a subtle cue to move just so, or a signal to stay right there, go a little faster, or a little more forcefully. And yes, sometimes you’ll find that she needs it a little deeper too, and that’s OK. 

It’s More Common Than You Think 

Again, consider how much pressure women feel to cater to the male ego and to tell him things that keep his spirits up. A demoralized lover is a lousy lover, so there is nothing nefarious about a woman downplaying other experiences she’s had. 

Virtually every woman has been with a guy who lacked confidence in bed and could not handle anything but encouragement. These men missed the opportunity to get to know their partner on a deeper level. They also missed a chance to improve. 

But just as most women have had a lousy lay, she’s probably had a fantastic one as well. If she captured your attention and devotion, then most likely, she caught the idea of someone in the past who possessed the skillsets and assets to rock her world. That is a GOOD thing! 

Venus is open about her history with and preference for black men. The internet in 2021 has made it very easy to think that interracial sex is rare while also implying only certain women date black men. Both of these notions are incorrect. Depending on where you live and your social circle’s demographics, a woman dating interracially is widespread. 

In the southern US, centuries of society add weight to the taboo. Still, women everywhere are likely far more open to the idea than you think. 

Your partner is not immune to all the factors that attract women to black men. She may not volunteer that information. She likely thinks that most men cannot handle that kind of information by default. Or she thinks it’s such a loaded topic that she would have to tread very carefully into that conversation. You want to be the guy she feels she can be totally open with and not feel weird telling her most intimate thoughts and feelings. 

Statistically, up to 52% of Millennials report having dated interracially. This is not some dark corner of the internet. In fact, you may want to ask yourself if you would like to date a person who wasn’t at least open to dating interracially in 2021. 

Yes, She Enjoyed It, And That’s OK 

So hopefully, she had one guy, black or not, blow her mind in bed. I promise she doesn’t view that as an attack on your manhood. Most likely, she considers it like a superb restaurant she ate at in the past. The menu was full of delectable items, and every visit was memorable. 

Or perhaps she thinks about it like a fantastic vacation where she could be the most relaxed and adventurous version of herself, even if temporarily. 

Regardless of how she views these experiences, they made her the woman you love. Life is a collection of experiences, and it’s OK to look fondly back on the good ones. 

It Doesn’t Mean She Thinks About It… Much 

As these topics slowly come up, most women will be cautious. Even if they admit to having had fantastic experiences, their instinct to protect your ego will push them to assure you that they don’t miss this. 

Outside of masturbation, most women are very good at putting their past in the rearview. Women are generally better than men at focusing on the delicious possibilities they have in their future.  

And this is a challenge for you. Every journey begins with a single step. For a couple considering this lifestyle, the first step should be acceptance and mutual understanding. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. So be patient, make your partner comfortable with sharing all of who she is and how she became the woman you love. 

When she feels totally accepted for all of her adventures and preferences, she will likely be much more comfortable talking about her fantasies and yours. From that foundation of understanding, you can begin to talk about the possibilities for a future together. Discuss ways to borrow from past experiences to form a more perfect union. 

About the author:

Will Acorn has lived the complex dynamics of the lifestyle for most of his sexual life. Will has been married to a Queen of Spades for 25 years. His life growing up as an elite athlete in a major inner city gave him a unique insight into the dynamics around this lifestyle from his teens. Acorn is a student of history, societies and cultures and is a strong proponent of Venus’ mission to empower women to take back their sexuality while improving communication, acceptance and understanding about the deeply fascinating aspects of non-monogamy.

Will Acorn on Twitter: https://twitter.com/acorn_will

[Guest Post] Humiliation

Guest Posts

” The flip side to this cuckolding psychology is that humiliation tells my cuck that I accept and love him for who he is. It validates the emotions that drive his sexuality. Excitement. Fear. Anxiety. Jealousy. Devotion. Shame. Anticipation. Why would I ever deny the man I love the feelings that make him feel complete sexually?”

@RealCuckolding

This beautiful post is written by my friend @RealCuckolding on Twitter and it’s a subject that I feel many women struggle with so share this one with all of the women in your life – it’s that important! – Venus xo

This isn’t the blog entry I promised to write, but it’s the issue most on my mind lately. Partly, that is because it’s important and yet it’s something I sometimes let slide because I can be selfish. It’s important to remind ourselves what matters. We are incredibly lucky. My cuck and I live exactly the life we want. We have beautiful children, rewarding professions, are madly in love, and are living exactly the sexual lifestyle we prefer. I am a cuckoldress, free to fuck, date, and pursue whomever I chose, and he worships me for that freedom. He desires it for me and I lap it up with abandon. As content as we are, we endeavor to grow in our chosen sexual lifestyle. We began non-consensual non-monogamy, after all, to explore our desires together. We’ve been swingers, we dabbled in hotwifing, and now, 20 years into a happy marriage, have found ourselves here: cuckoldress and cuckold, still learning, still growing.

I say all of this to start because the place we still feel we have the most room to grow is when it comes to cuckolding is humiliation. I’ll admit that this was, and still is, the hardest part of the lifestyle to realize for my partner. This is partially because for most of our lives we are taught to coddle the male ego. They are virile, strong, masculine. Their cocks satisfy us deeply. We lie and say we only have eyes for our man and other drivel that demeans the honesty of our loving relationships. It was also difficult because I love my husband and telling him that his penis is sad, or that it’s been years since I’ve even remotely thought of it as satisfying, seems like it’s hurtful (though I think all those things regularly, more on that later). It’s also hard because we are wired differently. While I’m a highly sexual person, it’s not always at the forefront of my mind. We all live at the intersections of our lives, mother, wife, co-worker, sister, daughter, coach, friend – for each of us that list is different, but it’s there and it means we are never JUST a cuckoldress – even if that is a huge part of who we are.

I know from conversations with other cuckoldresses that humiliation can be a struggle. And as I said above, I sometimes share that struggle. It’s important that we understand, cucks too, that this is a legitimate emotional hurdle for most women. Especially true for those of us that don’t identify as a domme. But, I’ve learned my struggles are rooted in the guilt engrained in managing fragile masculinity. Ironic, because I have ZERO guilt about being the slut I am, yet guilt can linger when I am trying to honestly express feelings that are both true and arousing to my cuck. What I now realize, the magic element, the one that truly unlocks all of sexuality, and indeed my best cuckoldress, is consent. To say it directly: the humiliation my cuck desires is consensual. He wants it. He needs it. And what’s more, he needs it from me – his friend, partner, lover. Consent is about trust, and that is the root of cuckolding.

Humiliation for my cuck invests in me the trust to be a truly open, loving, and free partner. Conversely, it tells him that he is free to accept his desire to be a cuck and embrace all that it has to offer him.

My cuck is trusting me with the freedom to enjoy the full breadth of my sexuality. He trusts me to explore my attractions to other men without guilt or hesitation. It also allows me to share my most honest feelings about our relationship. I don’t have to pretend I am satisfied by him sexually, which allows us to grow and explore forms of intimacy that are ultimately more honest and fulfilling. Especially when I know they are feelings that excite him, there is never need lie to ourselves. It’s an incredible freedom to tell him, in a loving way, that he will never be my primary sexual partner ever again. It’s a fact. We are stronger for sharing it.

The flip side to this cuckolding psychology is that humiliation tells my cuck that I accept and love him for who he is. It validates the emotions that drive his sexuality. Excitement. Fear. Anxiety. Jealousy. Devotion. Shame. Anticipation. Why would I ever deny the man I love the feelings that make him feel complete sexually? I’m afforded the same freedom in my life, even if the cocktail of emotions I feel are completely different. Anyone who has ever feared sharing a fantasy with a partner knows the power it gives someone over you. A glimpse into the hidden and dark corners of what makes you, you. It’s scary, sure, but when you are accepted and heard, it’s thrilling, and it completes you. The bond with that person is stronger for the sharing. It was when I realized that he needs to feel those emotions and loves me for them that it clicked: humiliation isn’t what’s hurtful – denying my cuck the same freedom to enjoy what he enjoys is.

In our cuckold marriage humiliation both is and is becoming a mutual and loving part of our lives. It doesn’t happen all at once. What a cuckoldress and a cuck get from this lifestyle are different, but they are mutually reinforcing. I’m not writing about how to humiliate your cuck. There are plenty of other blogs with amazing ideas for accomplishing that. What I’m hoping to convey is that the resistance to humiliate is a normal reservation that most of us have, or have had. You aren’t doing it wrong if you struggle. You aren’t a bad partner. If you’re listening, growing together, exploring, failing, trying again, learning something new – we call that being in a relationship.

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