Safety: When the lifestyle turns terrifying

By Venus Cuckoldress

This article was originally published in ASN Lifestyle Magazine

I think most people who begin a journey into a lifestyle that is new and fun and exciting, have a predictable sense of wonder, intrigue, and naivety. I definitely felt all of those things when I was first introduced to a cuckolding relationship – a relationship dynamic that up until then, I knew nothing about. There were so many amazing parts of being catapulted into the sexiest fantasies I had ever come across, and if I could go back in time I would change only a few things – but those few things are really fucking important. Safety is one of them.

6 years ago I was writing a blog about finding this kind of relationship and not many people knew who I was. I was just writing for the sake of sharing my story with other women and I didn’t realize that so many people would start reading it. Back then I didn’t think much of sharing face pics, videos, whatever. Things have changed since then. Now that I produce and host a popular podcast as well, many more people know who I am – at least they know the “Venus”…not my real name or what I look like. Now I wish I was more careful about maintaining anonymity back then. I have to always be careful now not to show my face or reveal much information about my personal life because I have to worry about stalkers and incels (google it) who work together to track down and harm women who speak openly about female sexual empowerment. 

A few years ago I somehow inherited a psycho stalker from Reddit (so many creeps on there) and he (or them) went to great lengths to brutally harass me with vulgar and hateful rhetoric. They tried all sorts of things to try to get information about me and to make up stories about me on Reddit and they succeeded to some degree. The calls and messages were truly disturbing. That lasted about a year and while it’s a relief that they’ve left me alone now, unfortunately they’ve moved on to harassing other women in this lifestyle. 

I also am more careful about meeting men now than I was before. I mean, as a woman we are wary our whole lives of meeting men alone, but now it’s way more of a significant worry for me. Unfortunately I learned the hard way that no matter what, ALWAYS trust your gut feeling and act on it right away. 

I already had a bad feeling about the guy I was supposed to meet up with one night but I ignored it. I was more worried about seeming like a jerk if I canceled at the last minute, so even though I felt like something was off but couldn’t quite put words to it, I still went. I tried to push that uneasy feeling aside but it was there the entire time I was with him in his apartment. 

Everything seemed to be okay until he told me I wasn’t going to be leaving. He had managed to kick my phone under the bed without me knowing so when I was panicking I couldn’t find it. It was probably only about 10 minutes that he was able to hold me against my will but it seemed like forever. It wasn’t until I was eventually able to find my phone and call the police that he let me go and I ran for my life. I will never forget the dispatcher on the phone telling me clearly where to go and how to hide. Her calm and concerned voice was what I needed at that moment. I remember my heart beating so fast and so loud and my whole body was shaking so much. It was terrifying and traumatizing.  

Being single also makes me vulnerable to threats to my safety. This one part is something that continues to this day but I’ve learned how to try to avoid it and if it happens, I don’t let it upset me as much. What I mean by that is being a single woman in the cuckolding lifestyle, you attract a lot of single men who are very keen to talk to you (there are way more men than women looking for a cuckolding relationship). Whether you want it or not, your inbox is always flooded. You’d think that makes dating so much easier right? So many choices right? It really isn’t. 

Let me explain… Just like vanilla dating, you meet someone and if you’re not feeling it then you just say hey I think you’re great but you’re just not what I’m looking for. Basic polite rejection right? It’s the same in the cuckolding lifestyle, however, because you’re filtering through so many guys and they are so desperate to find a woman, even though 90% of the guys you politely reject will be cool with it, there will be 10% who will not. And those 10% will try to make your life a living hell. They are the ones who will turn into stalkers and harassers and once you’ve come across a few of them, it really makes you not even want to talk to guys online anymore because you’re scared of how they might react. And that’s what I’ve done for a long time now – try to avoid them altogether by not dating at all. 

Just a couple of days ago someone messaged me through a contact form on my matchmaking service (which is ultra safe for women) and he seemed creepy from the get-go and even asked me if I was available to date him. I didn’t respond. And this is what transpired over the next several days:

  1. I want this so much, and have wantd to be cuckolded for many years…Are YOU available?? Lol…
  2. i was actually being serious :)….I mean, i am not a bad looking guy at all, im very fun, smart, down to earth, and VERY submissive, but not faggy or feminine acting in public….I think you could probably do worse, why not give me a chance Goddess?
  3. your an idiot, thanks for ignoring me because you didnt know how to respond..
  4. ok, well since your ignorant ass cant take out a few seconds to respond, go fuck yourself…..Your nothing but a scammer, a shammer, and a fucking role playing gold digging, greedy ass mother fucker who justs mens money, but has NOOOOOOOOOO intention of ever making it real in ANY WAY WHATSOVER….you want hundreds, and thousands of dollars from a  single guy, and offer NOTHING in return except a few role playing bullshit videos that were made for the “masses>> go fuck yourself…fake

What’s most worrisome about what happened is not only what he wrote, but that these messages came in separately over several days. This means he had been perseverating on being rejected and wasn’t going to let it go. Be careful of men like him. These are the types who are dangerous. 

I’ve thought a lot about safety in the last while and wondered how do we make this lifestyle safer for coupled women and single women? Realistically we can’t get anywhere near solutions until we have awareness of the issue in this lifestyle. 

We all need to talk about safety concerns – and often! We need to build a culture of health and safety for all of the people who enjoy this lifestyle but especially for the women, and to do that we need to have a foundation of awareness, support, communication, and explicit expectations across the board. But first we need buy-in from everyone but especially from the husbands, single gentlemen, bulls, lovers, and friends who enjoy this lifestyle. We really need you to rally with us on this one. Are you ready? I know I’m ready. Let’s do this.

A bold message to the women of the world

Crystal Welch joins Venus in this exciting and inspirational episode to raise a megaphone to the world and boldly announce that cuckolding relationships are phenomenally beneficial for women and that cuckolds just might be a higher life form when it comes to the evolution of modern day relationships.  Yeah you heard that right….a higher life form!

Mentioned in this episode:
Listen to the explicit MoN chat
Hotwife Takeover event is coming!
Venus Connections – matchmaking for loving cuckolding relationships

Crystal Welch
Her website and podcast – https://www.crystalwelch.com/
Crystal on Medium – https://cwelchpoly.medium.com/
Consultations and advice with Crystal – https://calendly.com/crystalwelchconsult

NEW!! Cuckolding Courses by Venus – https://cuckoldingcourses.com/
Venus Connections – matchmaking for loving cuckolding relationships
ASN Magazine – Venus feature: When the lifestyle turns terrifying
Full Swap Radio – listen to Venus every Tuesday at 5pm and 11pm Central Time
Merch! – yeah you read that right! Now you can get Venus/Cuckolding inspired merch!
Submit a question for the show
Become a Patreon supporter – support the podcast and get lots of perks! Including the Venus Vault!
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The Wounded Bull

by Venus Cuckoldress and Cuckoldress Scarlet

Perhaps when he was introduced to the lifestyle of women in cuckolding and hotwifing relationships with their committed partners he was enthralled and aroused. Perhaps he felt as though he had discovered the ideal way to pursue sex with women who were far more free and adventurous than the those he had previously encountered. Perhaps he once admired the sexual freedom and empowered perspective these women reveled in and enjoyed their company. The taboo nature of providing sexual satisfaction to another man’s wife once made him feel powerful and desired, perhaps filling a void that he didn’t realize was there.

Perhaps one day, without warning, all of that changed. His perspective became tinted with a hue of cynicism. What he had previously recognized as confidence in the women he was having sex with suddenly seemed more like arrogance. He began to feel used by the very consensual sexual arrangements he had so willingly embraced before. A growing resentment festered within him for these women. The elements of the lifestyle that used to turn him on, like a married white woman proudly claiming her intense sexual attraction towards black men, now made him feel demeaned and small. What changed? Perhaps not even he could identify exactly what it was, at least not yet. But there was one thing he could be sure of, he was right; anyone who challenged him was misguided and naïve.

Rather than acknowledging his wounded nature and addressing the harmful perspectives and disillusionment he had developed, the wounded bull turned his hurt outward into anger. By this point he had gained a following that viewed him as reputable and trustworthy. He was sure he could use his high standing and intellect to right the wrongs of the lifestyle. He allowed the feeling that had always lurked deep down to bubble up to the surface; he was better than other black men in the lifestyle. He began to use his platform to lash out at fellow lifestylers, bulls and couples alike, when he encountered a perceived wrong-doing. He prefaced each diatribe with the disclaimer that this was just his opinion to take or leave. He was well versed in hiding his disdain under a curtain of civility.

The wounded bull continued to play with wives even though the pleasure he received from each encounter seemed to dwindle steadily and incrementally, like sand coursing through an hourglass. Each time he would leave a couple’s home and pass the family photos framed and hung on the wall his bitterness would increase. It was then he allowed a thought he had held at bay to flood his mind: “These women say they love black men but I am nothing but an object for them to use and discard. I know these women would never date me or marry me and it MUST be because I am black.” A small part of his mind protested this notion as he recalled all of the genuine warmth and respect he had felt from married women and couples throughout the years. “No,” he thought, “I see it clearly now. All of that was a clever play to get what they wanted from me.”

The Wounded Bull would often lay alone in bed perturbed and sleepless. The lifestyle that once enriched his life and made him feel confident, sexy, and esteemed now brought him only misery. For a moment he begrudgingly accepted that it was time for all of it to end. He would bow out of the lifestyle gracefully having been responsible for saving countless marriages that he was sure would have ended in divorce if it weren’t for him. He would make a grand exit and then…and then…and then what? Date in the vanilla world? Create a tinder profile? He shuddered at the thought of re-entering that rat race.

A feeling of desperation welled up within his chest. He didn’t want to leave the lifestyle if it meant leaving ALL of it. He had invested too much-paid content sites, interviews, thousands of followers and devotees. And why should he give it all up? HE was the one doing the lifestyle right, HE was the one trying to make it better! The feeling of desperation quickly transposed into indignation. He would not be pushed aside by these amateur bulls and fake cuckold couples. He would find a way to make the lifestyle enjoyable for himself again. Ideas began to fly through his mind of how to achieve that goal. Perhaps he would stop playing with the established lifestyle couples and find a young, new couple he could carefully mold into his ideal lifestyle coupling. Perhaps he would develop a community of his own, curated to weed out all of the elements of the lifestyle he didn’t like. Perhaps he would use his following to his advantage, allowing them to do the heavy lifting of building the community and spreading the message while he served as the benevolent figurehead. The heaviness lifted from the Wounded Bull’s chest and he felt restored.

Hurt people hurt people.

The story that introduced this blog post was created for illustrative purposes only and is not intended to represent any one person. Rather, it serves to present the general attitudes of bulls who have become wounded during their experience in the lifestyle. Vulnerability is intrinsic to the lifestyle experience for all parties – cuckolds, cuckoldresses and bulls. We have all encountered negative experiences while pursuing the cuckolding lifestyle. This article is about the choices we make when we encounter negativity-be it in the form of selfishness, objectification, or rejection.

Bulls hold a great deal of importance and influence in the cuckolding lifestyle dynamic. Their role in the lifestyle is to be invited into the relationship between the cuckold and the cuckoldress, an intimate and sacred space. Many bulls find that this is the most preferable way for them to pursue sexual connections. Over the years, they may encounter couples in the lifestyle who do not make them feel valued. Or they may develop a desire to have more than a strictly sexual connection with a wife and “catch feelings” for her. There are a myriad of situations that may arise for a bull which are difficult to navigate and may bring about jarring and uncomfortable feelings.

An emotionally healthy man will manage these experiences by utilizing coping skills and taking responsible action. He may explore a number of strategies to process his experience, seek support, and heal from any harm he experienced. He may take a hiatus from actively playing in the lifestyle to take care of himself. An emotionally unhealthy man is likely to become resentful, angry, and jaded. He may suppress his feelings until he reaches a boiling point and lashes out at others. A bull engaging with this mentality is dangerous for the women and couples he becomes involved with. Although his pain is legitimate, he has the potential to irreparably harm the couples who invite him into their relationship.

Wounded bulls are damaging to cuckolding relationships but especially for women in the lifestyle. Identifying the unique behaviors of a wounded bull is key to recognizing and avoiding them.

Typically a wounded bull isolates himself from others in the lifestyle over a period of time and he chooses to only surround himself with either new and impressionable women or couples, or other wounded bulls whose behavior mirrors his own. His coping mechanism is to insult and push away from others so that he feels like he has a sense of control.

Isolating and controlling others is also a common sign of a wounded bull. Women should be wary of any bull who begins to try to control who you initiate conversations with in the lifestyle or who rejects any friendships or connections you’ve made along the way. He may also try to implement strict rules within your own relationship with your cuck – rules which dictate what you both can and cannot do and not just in the bedroom but in the rest of your lives. Just like an abusive boyfriend he insists on knowing who you talk to, where you go, and what you do. He wants to control you. He wants to own you.

A wounded bull is unstable. Watch out for any bull who seems to lash out at others or who stews over an incident for weeks or even months after it happened. This kind of unhealthy preoccupation with conflict and anger is a warning sign that he is holding on to some hurtful emotional baggage from his past and is unable to let it go.

If you feel a negative energy has begun to permeate through your relationship within a short time of introducing a new bull, or you notice that you have lost some female friends or acquaintances in that same time period, or the fun and freedom you enjoyed within the lifestyle has diminished, you may be dealing with a wounded bull. Distance yourself from him before it ruins your relationship with your cuck or sours your entire lifestyle experience.

Women together are a powerful force. If you see something, say something. The women in the cuckolding lifestyle have built a trusted support network so that when we recognize a wounded bull we warn each other to prevent him from further damaging others in the cuckolding or hotwifing lifestyle.

Couples also need to be held to account for the harmful effect of their behavior in this arena as well. The men who willingly step into the role of a bull in a cuckolding dynamic deserve to be treated with the utmost respect. They are not props to fulfill a couple’s fantasy, they are dynamic and evolving people who have their own complex reasons for enjoying this dynamic. As long as couples continue to receive bulls as kink dispensers, only seeing them in the context of their fantasy, this cycle of wounding will continue. Mutual respect, ongoing and enthusiastic consent, and effective, caring communication is paramount to a healthy relationship with a bull, as it is in every ethical, consensual sexual relationship.

If you are a bull and you see parts of your own behavior in this story, take a break from the lifestyle and use this opportunity to seriously reflect on what you really want out of the lifestyle. Perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate your goals and take the time you need to work through your issues before you return to the lifestyle.

The intention of this writing is not chastise or blame. Hopefully, those of us who love this lifestyle feel a sense of responsibility to ensure our concept of the relationships within cuckolding dynamics are safe and supportive. The wounded bulls who have operated in secrecy will no longer have the capacity to move in silence, perpetuating this harmful cycle. By naming this behavior, we seek to raise awareness and promote the healing process.

The cuckolding lifestyle is beautiful, fun, and incredibly sexy. Every cuck, cuckoldress, and bull in it should be valued, respected, and safe. It’s up to us as a community to recognize when things are going wrong and help each other to navigate the minefields so that we all can enjoy this amazing lifestyle.

5 things your wife needs for confidence to sleep with other men

This article was originally published in ASN Lifestyle Magazine.

Although there are many benefits to embarking on a cuckolding journey within a loving relationship, there are also several reasons why women would shy away from the idea of it. Confidence, or a lack thereof, is one of them.

I feel like a loving cuckolding relationship is like having your cake and eating it too. You have a loving and adoring faithful husband and yet you also have the gift of having mind-blowing sexual experiences with other men, and you both love it that way. And for many women they see it that way as well – it’s been an opportunity to empower themselves and their relationship – but getting to that point involves having the courage to face fears and insecurities which we don’t always communicate to our partner.

The idea of having to fuck men who are strangers is terrifying for most women. Let’s face it, safety is always our number one concern in our daily lives and more so in our sexual lives. Will he violate consent? Will he physically hurt me? We are put in vulnerable circumstances with new men and we have to trust that they won’t try to harm us and that’s not easy to do. Addressing her safety is the first step for her to feel safe and confident to pursue other sexual experiences.

When a husband proposes cuckolding to his wife, often times they’ve been married for a while and she feels comfortable with their current sex life and confident with her body when it comes to how she looks and feels sexy to her husband. But when faced with the idea of having to have sex with someone else we worry about if we will be sexy for others. Will other men find me attractive? Will other men find my body sexy? What if they don’t? We worry about that moment of rejection and how embarrassing it would be not just for us but for our partner.

Sexual skills are also something that crosses our mind. Sex with someone you’ve been in a relationship with for a long time is comfortable and predictable and her confidence in her sexual skills is likely high. She knows what turns him on and she knows how to make it enjoyable. But with someone new she will worry about if she’s able to perform. What if she isn’t great at blowjobs? What if she isn’t confident with talking dirty or even flirting? What if he thinks she is boring in bed? And what if she can’t be the slutty wife that her husband fantasizes about? All of this is enough to make her not want to even consider the idea of cuckolding.

So husbands, as you can see there are some really significant issues that can be the reason why she rejects the idea of cuckolding and she likely won’t tell you about any of them – she’ll just say no. But there are some things you can do which will help build her confidence.

The first is obvious. You probably think telling her she’s beautiful is the most important thing to do – and it is important – but there are more crucial things you need to start doing. The first is focus on her even before you broach the subject of fantasies with her. Pamper her. Book a spa day often for her to just relax and enjoy herself. Take her shopping for new clothes, shoes, lingerie. Book a boudoir photo shoot for her (yeah spend the money on it and don’t ask for anything in return). Simply invest in your wife’s confidence.

Second, let her learn to love the body she has right now. Don’t suggest changing her body (don’t tell her to work out) and start to compliment her on the areas that you know she already feels confident in and do it often. Let her feel your gaze from across the room. Adore her. Cherish her.

Third, talk to her gently about any insecurities she may have. Let her know that the door is open for her to talk to you about anything, anytime. Share your own insecurities with her – all of them. Actively listen for the sake of listening and not for the purpose of solving the problem.

Four is go slow. She can start with just sharing with you who she sees as attractive. Later she can flirt with other men if she wants. Learning to flirt with strangers is key in boosting her confidence. She will see that other men find her attractive and sexy. Start sexting with her but let her take the lead with it. Eventually she can practice sexting with others. Arrange for dates that only include dinner or drinks with another man and nothing afterwards. Be there with her if she prefers that.

Lastly, and most importantly let go of your fantasy expectations. Ease the pressure she feels to perform for you by just letting her do what she feels safe and comfortable with. You will have other opportunities down the road to explore your cuckolding fantasies. Let her write the script and let her set the boundaries, rules, and limits according to what she feels comfortable with. If she doesn’t want oral sex then she can take that off the table. If she wants a one night stand then she can have it. If she wants to find a friend with benefits then that’s okay too. This will help her to feel safe when exploring sex with other men.

These are just a few suggestions and there are other reasons but I think the most important message I’m trying to get across is that men need to be aware of that low confidence may play a part in why your wife may flat out reject the idea of sleeping with other men. If you really do want a loving cuckolding relationship that’s thrilling and super sexy, you need to invest in your wife’s self confidence and that will translate to her sexual self confidence as well. Sexual empowerment begins with her so let her sit in the driver’s seat and enjoy the incredible ride together.

Venus

The sexually empowered woman who wants it all

This article was originally published in ASN Magazine.

I’m a cuckoldress and over the years some people have asked why I chose to be a cuckoldress instead of a hotwife. Those two are similar and sure there’s a lot of overlap but to me there is one big difference – cuckolding is all about her. 

To me (and definitions seemingly evolve day to day and differ with who you ask) I see hotwifing as a couple in a loving relationship where he is monogamous to her and she is allowed (with his permission) to sleep with other men. Usually he decides or chooses who those men are, gets immensely turned on by her dates, and wants to be present or even join in on the activities. The rules, boundaries, and limits are usually decided by him or equally together. Outside of those encounters they have a robust sex life together that resembles the average regular relationship. There may be a little gentle teasing done in a flirtatious way with her husband but she enjoys having him involved in it all and they both love it that way. 

Cuckolding can look very similar in that the basic set up is the same. He is monogamous to her and she is able to have sexual encounters with other men. However she decides who those men will be and she sets the rules, boundaries, and limits. Having said that though it’s not like she would ignore him if he had a safety concern or brush him off if he felt that something was going to damage their relationship – this is a real loving relationship after all. Although the husband also gets incredibly turned on by her dates with others, it’s up to her if he is going to be there with her or stay at home and hear all about it later. If he is in the room it’s uncommon that he would be joining in sexually as a threesome but if that’s what she wants then that’s what will happen. It’s likely she has some fun with teasing him – might be subtle or might be overt – and he loves it. She might make him wait for sex, like a kind of edge play with sexual denial, that heightens his attention to her. It’s intense. 

I’ve found there are common characteristics of the husbands in both of these relationships: loyalty, honesty, and a need to have a deep connection with someone in order to want to have sex with them. They may start out in the default ‘open on both sides’ kind of non monogamous or swinger relationship but over time he finds he gravitates to his wife’s experiences with others. Sex with other women just isn’t fulfilling for him however thinking of his wife with another man is what sends waves of testosterone throughout his body and gives him the hardest erections and most intense orgasms of his life. 

For many couples the shift from hotwifing to cuckolding happens in one unexpected moment. She makes a decision he has been accustomed to making himself. She takes control. She steps into her sexual power. Her confidence is somehow different. She carries herself with new sexual prowess; she knows what she wants. He’s in awe… 

It’s the byproduct of a cuckolding relationship that’s often overlooked – the immense benefits women experience with sexual empowerment. It’s such a beautiful thing to witness.

You see…I’ve always said cuckolding is a gift you give each other where he gives her the gift of sexual experiences with others and she in turn, involves him in some way, but when you look a little deeper you’ll see that what he is giving her is the ULTIMATE gift: her own absolute sexual freedom. He gives her that gift with total trust and no strings attached. It’s a very risky thing for him and that’s why so many husbands aren’t willing to do something like that without attaching rules, boundaries, and limits to maintain their own sense of control. The usual concern is that she won’t have any need for him anymore if she gets great sex with others or she will lose respect for him….the list of worries goes on and on. But what they fail to understand, and what women have been saying all along, is that we don’t lose respect for you. We don’t lose interest in you. We LOVE YOU EVEN MORE. We realize the significance of the gift you have given and the strength and vulnerability it took you to give it to us and for that we are filled with gratitude. I’m talking level 1000 gratitude. Top shelf trust. Next level love returned to you. 

I love cuckolding because it’s the kind of relationship where as a woman I can feel empowered to ask for what I want and get what I want. I don’t need to feel selfish, I don’t need to feel like it’s unfair, and I don’t feel bad for it. He is my biggest supporter and he not only loves me for my sexuality, he celebrates all of it, every day. 

I want next level love and connection with my life partner, mind-blowing sexual experiences with others, and I want to write the script for what that looks like. And I will get it because I asked for it and because he gave me the ultimate gift with no strings attached. 

Women really can have it all. Just ask for it.

Venus xo