Safety: When the lifestyle turns terrifying

By Venus Cuckoldress

This article was originally published in ASN Lifestyle Magazine

I think most people who begin a journey into a lifestyle that is new and fun and exciting, have a predictable sense of wonder, intrigue, and naivety. I definitely felt all of those things when I was first introduced to a cuckolding relationship – a relationship dynamic that up until then, I knew nothing about. There were so many amazing parts of being catapulted into the sexiest fantasies I had ever come across, and if I could go back in time I would change only a few things – but those few things are really fucking important. Safety is one of them.

6 years ago I was writing a blog about finding this kind of relationship and not many people knew who I was. I was just writing for the sake of sharing my story with other women and I didn’t realize that so many people would start reading it. Back then I didn’t think much of sharing face pics, videos, whatever. Things have changed since then. Now that I produce and host a popular podcast as well, many more people know who I am – at least they know the “Venus”…not my real name or what I look like. Now I wish I was more careful about maintaining anonymity back then. I have to always be careful now not to show my face or reveal much information about my personal life because I have to worry about stalkers and incels (google it) who work together to track down and harm women who speak openly about female sexual empowerment. 

A few years ago I somehow inherited a psycho stalker from Reddit (so many creeps on there) and he (or them) went to great lengths to brutally harass me with vulgar and hateful rhetoric. They tried all sorts of things to try to get information about me and to make up stories about me on Reddit and they succeeded to some degree. The calls and messages were truly disturbing. That lasted about a year and while it’s a relief that they’ve left me alone now, unfortunately they’ve moved on to harassing other women in this lifestyle. 

I also am more careful about meeting men now than I was before. I mean, as a woman we are wary our whole lives of meeting men alone, but now it’s way more of a significant worry for me. Unfortunately I learned the hard way that no matter what, ALWAYS trust your gut feeling and act on it right away. 

I already had a bad feeling about the guy I was supposed to meet up with one night but I ignored it. I was more worried about seeming like a jerk if I canceled at the last minute, so even though I felt like something was off but couldn’t quite put words to it, I still went. I tried to push that uneasy feeling aside but it was there the entire time I was with him in his apartment. 

Everything seemed to be okay until he told me I wasn’t going to be leaving. He had managed to kick my phone under the bed without me knowing so when I was panicking I couldn’t find it. It was probably only about 10 minutes that he was able to hold me against my will but it seemed like forever. It wasn’t until I was eventually able to find my phone and call the police that he let me go and I ran for my life. I will never forget the dispatcher on the phone telling me clearly where to go and how to hide. Her calm and concerned voice was what I needed at that moment. I remember my heart beating so fast and so loud and my whole body was shaking so much. It was terrifying and traumatizing.  

Being single also makes me vulnerable to threats to my safety. This one part is something that continues to this day but I’ve learned how to try to avoid it and if it happens, I don’t let it upset me as much. What I mean by that is being a single woman in the cuckolding lifestyle, you attract a lot of single men who are very keen to talk to you (there are way more men than women looking for a cuckolding relationship). Whether you want it or not, your inbox is always flooded. You’d think that makes dating so much easier right? So many choices right? It really isn’t. 

Let me explain… Just like vanilla dating, you meet someone and if you’re not feeling it then you just say hey I think you’re great but you’re just not what I’m looking for. Basic polite rejection right? It’s the same in the cuckolding lifestyle, however, because you’re filtering through so many guys and they are so desperate to find a woman, even though 90% of the guys you politely reject will be cool with it, there will be 10% who will not. And those 10% will try to make your life a living hell. They are the ones who will turn into stalkers and harassers and once you’ve come across a few of them, it really makes you not even want to talk to guys online anymore because you’re scared of how they might react. And that’s what I’ve done for a long time now – try to avoid them altogether by not dating at all. 

Just a couple of days ago someone messaged me through a contact form on my matchmaking service (which is ultra safe for women) and he seemed creepy from the get-go and even asked me if I was available to date him. I didn’t respond. And this is what transpired over the next several days:

  1. I want this so much, and have wantd to be cuckolded for many years…Are YOU available?? Lol…
  2. i was actually being serious :)….I mean, i am not a bad looking guy at all, im very fun, smart, down to earth, and VERY submissive, but not faggy or feminine acting in public….I think you could probably do worse, why not give me a chance Goddess?
  3. your an idiot, thanks for ignoring me because you didnt know how to respond..
  4. ok, well since your ignorant ass cant take out a few seconds to respond, go fuck yourself…..Your nothing but a scammer, a shammer, and a fucking role playing gold digging, greedy ass mother fucker who justs mens money, but has NOOOOOOOOOO intention of ever making it real in ANY WAY WHATSOVER….you want hundreds, and thousands of dollars from a  single guy, and offer NOTHING in return except a few role playing bullshit videos that were made for the “masses>> go fuck yourself…fake

What’s most worrisome about what happened is not only what he wrote, but that these messages came in separately over several days. This means he had been perseverating on being rejected and wasn’t going to let it go. Be careful of men like him. These are the types who are dangerous. 

I’ve thought a lot about safety in the last while and wondered how do we make this lifestyle safer for coupled women and single women? Realistically we can’t get anywhere near solutions until we have awareness of the issue in this lifestyle. 

We all need to talk about safety concerns – and often! We need to build a culture of health and safety for all of the people who enjoy this lifestyle but especially for the women, and to do that we need to have a foundation of awareness, support, communication, and explicit expectations across the board. But first we need buy-in from everyone but especially from the husbands, single gentlemen, bulls, lovers, and friends who enjoy this lifestyle. We really need you to rally with us on this one. Are you ready? I know I’m ready. Let’s do this.

How to talk to your wife about your cuckolding fantasies

This article was originally posted in ASN Lifestyle Magazine

Sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner can be a scary thing to do, especially if those fantasies involve “outside of the norm” kinds of themes. For a lot of people the fear of being harshly judged or rejected by their partner is enough to keep those fantasies buried deep in the closet. Cuckolding is no different. I’ve heard many stories over the years of men who got the courage to tell their wife about their cuckolding fantasies and it didn’t go well. This is what has inspired me to share my tips on how to approach her in a way that will hopefully make things go well. 

Nearly all of the men who I have come across have developed an interest in cuckolding fantasies through watching cuckold porn. They’ve watched it for years and already know what types of cuckolding or hotwifing fantasies turn them on. They have preferences for certain scenarios, scripts, kinks…they know what they like and what they don’t like and it all revolves around the sexual acts of her fucking someone else. So it’s no wonder that when they go to talk to their wife about their cuckolding fantasies they start with something like “It would be so hot if you fucked some other guy.”. This will more than likely come way out of left field for her and she will react with “Wait…what? Is this your sneaky way of trying to fuck other women?”. She’s immediately suspecting the worst.

What he fails to realize is that his wife is not there to simply perform for him or act out his fantasies for him. For her to “buy into” this kind of fantasy she needs to understand what’s in it for her and not just how it benefits him. This is the missing piece of the communication puzzle and it is vital.

There is a sequence that is very important bringing this up to your wife. In the December 2021 issue of ASN Magazine I wrote about how to invest in your wife’s confidence. This absolutely needs to come first. She will never feel comfortable sleeping with someone else if she lacks sexual self confidence – it is absolutely necessary. 

Next you will need to spend some time assuring her that you have no interest in sleeping with other women. She needs to trust you 100% on this so don’t just say it once – say it over and over and in many different ways. Your loyalty and fidelity needs to be at the forefront of the conversation.

And for the most important part….re-frame the conversation away from your cuckolding fantasy and instead towards her sexual empowerment. Understand that the women in porn are acting out a scene – you watching your wife will feel totally different. You will be in awe of your wife’s sexual prowess, her sexual appeal, her confidence – and that is what you will turn you on the most. Her sexual exploration with others is what will make you feel so fulfilled sexually that you have no interest in sleeping with other women. 

Explain to her that you are giving her the gift to explore her sexuality with others (and you find that such a turn on) while she involves you in some way, and that gift is what will bring your relationship to new heights of love and trust. This is a journey you would like to go on with her and she’s in the driver’s seat. She can decide what that journey looks like, with whomever she chooses, and it can take however long she wants – no pressure. Do not present her with a list of wants or rules or whatever. Let’s face it, if she loves you and cares about your relationship she will take your feelings into consideration and talk to you about these things so you don’t need to keep those threads of control by implementing rules upon her. 

But what about your sexual fantasies? You will get them. It may take a little bit of waiting patiently but it will come in time. Nurturing your wife’s sexual empowerment is the key to getting there so let her take her time and get to that point however she wants and she will reward you with the most amazing and incredible sexual journey along the way. 

Venus

Time to put down the megaphone and hush…

I was listening to a MoN chat recently where the conversation was around what I would call extreme racially-based findom. There were some things that didn’t sit well with me so I took some time to think it over and try to find the reason why it felt off.

Findom is a type of fetishized financial slavery where one person feels compelled to give money to another. I’m not going to pretend to know a lot about it – I’ve never been part of that kind of lifestyle, but I do know that it can be a lucrative business for many women online. And from what I’ve seen, the key to success is amping up the humiliation factor to increase your income. So the more mean-spirited the insults and pure degradation, the more money you get.

What caught my attention is the woman who was speaking said two things: that she is a cuckoldress, and that she is more than happy to benefit financially from penetrating the insecurities of what she calls “beta white boy cucks”. The deep seeded insecurities of cucks is clearly what she is digging in to for her profit game.

You only need to take a quick glance at the findom Twitter feeds to know that it’s basically the same script over and over, you’re a fucking loser cuck beta bitch. You’re a cuck, don’t deserve any respect.. blah blah blah…

Now I get it… really, I do. I mean everyone has their hustle right? And that’s fine but what is really fucked up and needs to change is throwing around those labels cuck/cuckoldress/cuckold in the loud as fuck findom arena, it makes it seem to many I’m sure, that that actually must be what a cuck is – a worthless loser. And that must be what a cuckoldress is – someone to degrade the fuck out of you and take your wallet. The findom circus online is like a giant in-your-face billboard of people screaming at you that cucks are garbage. It’s literally repeated over and over and over again in and all of it is really not helping to destigmatize cuckolding at all! It’s making it worse!

I’m sure many of the “beta white boy loser cucks” are smart enough to know that this is just online fantasy world and nothing more, but what about the men who for them this is detrimental to their mental health (not to mention their financial well-being)? Do they get lost down a deep hole of shame and self-hate? I know I have encountered MANY guys who have felt that self-loathing because up until recently they had only heard that one loud narrative that they are a loser because they are a cuck. And that’s just not fucking right.

I’ve been talking about cuckolding from a female perspective for years now and a couple of years ago when I made a short collage of voices from women in the lifestyle who were explaining how loved and worthy their cucks are, I was absolutely shocked at how just that one thing made so many men break down into tears when they heard it. I felt devastated that this messaging was so so immensely needed and I had taken so long to realize it and put it out there like that.

It’s no wonder so many guys (who actually are cucks) are repulsed at the thought of being called a cuck. It’s no wonder we have so many cucks flocking to the label “stag” instead. It’s no wonder we see so many cucks suffer from debilitating shame, fear, and self hate. It’s no wonder I’ve seen so many of them struggle with their mental health because they think being a cuck is the worst thing that they could possibly be. Because they’ve been told exactly that – over and over again.

It’s time to take back the word “cuck” and “cuckoldress” and it’s time for the findom megaphone cuck-shaming to shut the fuck up. You’ve had plenty of time to blast it to the world what you think cucks really are and of course you can keep doing your findom hussle however you want but it’s not going to be okay anymore to keep bashing cucks. I don’t care if I get backlash about this and I certainly don’t give a fuck if you want to label me a “gatekeeper” (really I’m ALL out of fucks to give on that one) so from here on out the messaging is changing whether you like it or not. Cucks will be lifted up instead of shoved to the ground.

Cucks are loved.

Cucks are respected.

Cucks are strong.

Cucks are brave.

Cucks are the most selfless partner you could have.

That is the message that’s taking over the megaphone. That’s the message that needs to be blasted over the internet. That’s the script that will portray this beautiful relationship dynamic of cuckolding and it’s going to be loud as fuck. Because that is the fucking truth.

Venus xo

The Wounded Bull

by Venus Cuckoldress and Cuckoldress Scarlet

Perhaps when he was introduced to the lifestyle of women in cuckolding and hotwifing relationships with their committed partners he was enthralled and aroused. Perhaps he felt as though he had discovered the ideal way to pursue sex with women who were far more free and adventurous than the those he had previously encountered. Perhaps he once admired the sexual freedom and empowered perspective these women reveled in and enjoyed their company. The taboo nature of providing sexual satisfaction to another man’s wife once made him feel powerful and desired, perhaps filling a void that he didn’t realize was there.

Perhaps one day, without warning, all of that changed. His perspective became tinted with a hue of cynicism. What he had previously recognized as confidence in the women he was having sex with suddenly seemed more like arrogance. He began to feel used by the very consensual sexual arrangements he had so willingly embraced before. A growing resentment festered within him for these women. The elements of the lifestyle that used to turn him on, like a married white woman proudly claiming her intense sexual attraction towards black men, now made him feel demeaned and small. What changed? Perhaps not even he could identify exactly what it was, at least not yet. But there was one thing he could be sure of, he was right; anyone who challenged him was misguided and naïve.

Rather than acknowledging his wounded nature and addressing the harmful perspectives and disillusionment he had developed, the wounded bull turned his hurt outward into anger. By this point he had gained a following that viewed him as reputable and trustworthy. He was sure he could use his high standing and intellect to right the wrongs of the lifestyle. He allowed the feeling that had always lurked deep down to bubble up to the surface; he was better than other black men in the lifestyle. He began to use his platform to lash out at fellow lifestylers, bulls and couples alike, when he encountered a perceived wrong-doing. He prefaced each diatribe with the disclaimer that this was just his opinion to take or leave. He was well versed in hiding his disdain under a curtain of civility.

The wounded bull continued to play with wives even though the pleasure he received from each encounter seemed to dwindle steadily and incrementally, like sand coursing through an hourglass. Each time he would leave a couple’s home and pass the family photos framed and hung on the wall his bitterness would increase. It was then he allowed a thought he had held at bay to flood his mind: “These women say they love black men but I am nothing but an object for them to use and discard. I know these women would never date me or marry me and it MUST be because I am black.” A small part of his mind protested this notion as he recalled all of the genuine warmth and respect he had felt from married women and couples throughout the years. “No,” he thought, “I see it clearly now. All of that was a clever play to get what they wanted from me.”

The Wounded Bull would often lay alone in bed perturbed and sleepless. The lifestyle that once enriched his life and made him feel confident, sexy, and esteemed now brought him only misery. For a moment he begrudgingly accepted that it was time for all of it to end. He would bow out of the lifestyle gracefully having been responsible for saving countless marriages that he was sure would have ended in divorce if it weren’t for him. He would make a grand exit and then…and then…and then what? Date in the vanilla world? Create a tinder profile? He shuddered at the thought of re-entering that rat race.

A feeling of desperation welled up within his chest. He didn’t want to leave the lifestyle if it meant leaving ALL of it. He had invested too much-paid content sites, interviews, thousands of followers and devotees. And why should he give it all up? HE was the one doing the lifestyle right, HE was the one trying to make it better! The feeling of desperation quickly transposed into indignation. He would not be pushed aside by these amateur bulls and fake cuckold couples. He would find a way to make the lifestyle enjoyable for himself again. Ideas began to fly through his mind of how to achieve that goal. Perhaps he would stop playing with the established lifestyle couples and find a young, new couple he could carefully mold into his ideal lifestyle coupling. Perhaps he would develop a community of his own, curated to weed out all of the elements of the lifestyle he didn’t like. Perhaps he would use his following to his advantage, allowing them to do the heavy lifting of building the community and spreading the message while he served as the benevolent figurehead. The heaviness lifted from the Wounded Bull’s chest and he felt restored.

Hurt people hurt people.

The story that introduced this blog post was created for illustrative purposes only and is not intended to represent any one person. Rather, it serves to present the general attitudes of bulls who have become wounded during their experience in the lifestyle. Vulnerability is intrinsic to the lifestyle experience for all parties – cuckolds, cuckoldresses and bulls. We have all encountered negative experiences while pursuing the cuckolding lifestyle. This article is about the choices we make when we encounter negativity-be it in the form of selfishness, objectification, or rejection.

Bulls hold a great deal of importance and influence in the cuckolding lifestyle dynamic. Their role in the lifestyle is to be invited into the relationship between the cuckold and the cuckoldress, an intimate and sacred space. Many bulls find that this is the most preferable way for them to pursue sexual connections. Over the years, they may encounter couples in the lifestyle who do not make them feel valued. Or they may develop a desire to have more than a strictly sexual connection with a wife and “catch feelings” for her. There are a myriad of situations that may arise for a bull which are difficult to navigate and may bring about jarring and uncomfortable feelings.

An emotionally healthy man will manage these experiences by utilizing coping skills and taking responsible action. He may explore a number of strategies to process his experience, seek support, and heal from any harm he experienced. He may take a hiatus from actively playing in the lifestyle to take care of himself. An emotionally unhealthy man is likely to become resentful, angry, and jaded. He may suppress his feelings until he reaches a boiling point and lashes out at others. A bull engaging with this mentality is dangerous for the women and couples he becomes involved with. Although his pain is legitimate, he has the potential to irreparably harm the couples who invite him into their relationship.

Wounded bulls are damaging to cuckolding relationships but especially for women in the lifestyle. Identifying the unique behaviors of a wounded bull is key to recognizing and avoiding them.

Typically a wounded bull isolates himself from others in the lifestyle over a period of time and he chooses to only surround himself with either new and impressionable women or couples, or other wounded bulls whose behavior mirrors his own. His coping mechanism is to insult and push away from others so that he feels like he has a sense of control.

Isolating and controlling others is also a common sign of a wounded bull. Women should be wary of any bull who begins to try to control who you initiate conversations with in the lifestyle or who rejects any friendships or connections you’ve made along the way. He may also try to implement strict rules within your own relationship with your cuck – rules which dictate what you both can and cannot do and not just in the bedroom but in the rest of your lives. Just like an abusive boyfriend he insists on knowing who you talk to, where you go, and what you do. He wants to control you. He wants to own you.

A wounded bull is unstable. Watch out for any bull who seems to lash out at others or who stews over an incident for weeks or even months after it happened. This kind of unhealthy preoccupation with conflict and anger is a warning sign that he is holding on to some hurtful emotional baggage from his past and is unable to let it go.

If you feel a negative energy has begun to permeate through your relationship within a short time of introducing a new bull, or you notice that you have lost some female friends or acquaintances in that same time period, or the fun and freedom you enjoyed within the lifestyle has diminished, you may be dealing with a wounded bull. Distance yourself from him before it ruins your relationship with your cuck or sours your entire lifestyle experience.

Women together are a powerful force. If you see something, say something. The women in the cuckolding lifestyle have built a trusted support network so that when we recognize a wounded bull we warn each other to prevent him from further damaging others in the cuckolding or hotwifing lifestyle.

Couples also need to be held to account for the harmful effect of their behavior in this arena as well. The men who willingly step into the role of a bull in a cuckolding dynamic deserve to be treated with the utmost respect. They are not props to fulfill a couple’s fantasy, they are dynamic and evolving people who have their own complex reasons for enjoying this dynamic. As long as couples continue to receive bulls as kink dispensers, only seeing them in the context of their fantasy, this cycle of wounding will continue. Mutual respect, ongoing and enthusiastic consent, and effective, caring communication is paramount to a healthy relationship with a bull, as it is in every ethical, consensual sexual relationship.

If you are a bull and you see parts of your own behavior in this story, take a break from the lifestyle and use this opportunity to seriously reflect on what you really want out of the lifestyle. Perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate your goals and take the time you need to work through your issues before you return to the lifestyle.

The intention of this writing is not chastise or blame. Hopefully, those of us who love this lifestyle feel a sense of responsibility to ensure our concept of the relationships within cuckolding dynamics are safe and supportive. The wounded bulls who have operated in secrecy will no longer have the capacity to move in silence, perpetuating this harmful cycle. By naming this behavior, we seek to raise awareness and promote the healing process.

The cuckolding lifestyle is beautiful, fun, and incredibly sexy. Every cuck, cuckoldress, and bull in it should be valued, respected, and safe. It’s up to us as a community to recognize when things are going wrong and help each other to navigate the minefields so that we all can enjoy this amazing lifestyle.

7 fun ways to cuck your man

This post was originally published in ASN Magazine.

For most people when they think of the word cuckolding they think about a husband watching his wife fuck another man, and while it is true that it can involve watching, there’s actually so much more to cuckolding than just that.

I once wrote a blog post called “17 Ways to Cuck Your Man” and it ended up being the most popular post for many years. Recently I wanted to revisit that list for a podcast episode and I realized that back then I was solely focusing on the sexual act part of cuckolding and since then I’ve come to appreciate the simple teasing that’s part of everyday life together that’s possibly even more fun that the ‘fucking other guys’ part. 

A cuck husband or partner loves the idea of you fucking another man – that incredible mix of emotions that are both uncomfortable and yet strangely enjoyable is what I call cuck angst and it’s what makes cucks so beautifully unique. They can turn harmful and potentially damaging emotions of jealousy and defeat into something wonderfully erotic and positive. And you can play with those emotions and enjoy seeing him react in a way which in turn brings you closer together. It’s a game you play in which the woman has the ability to manipulate a seemingly regular everyday moment into a moment in which he feels that instant rush of angst, love, and adoration. She gets to watch him melt in front of her. It’s beautiful and so much fun! 

Here are some simple ways that women can tease their partner in a fun and loving way:

  1. Flirt with other men. This can be in front of him while you are out in a bar or at the gym and tell him about it when you get home. He will be watching you in awe and have that intense cuck angst all at the same time.
  2. Send him screenshots of you flirting with other men over text, or better yet sexting with other men. He will love reading how you interact with him and his mind will be filled with visions of you acting out the script with this other guy. Trust me this will totally get him into a frenzy!
  3. Talk about other men. Perhaps you casually mention the hot and hung one night stand you had in college that was so unforgettable or tell him how hot the barista was at the cafe this morning, or the hot personal trainer at the gym. Or if you’re watching a movie together, just softly whisper to him “mmm I’d love to fuck him” and just go back to watching the movie. This little comment will both catch him off guard and simultaneously drive him wild with excitement!
  4. Tell him about a sexy dream you had that featured another man. Make sure you go into all the juicy sexy details and highlight any of the differences (physical or performance-wise) between him and your husband. He will literally hang on every word and revel in your enthusiastic storytelling.
  5. Let him catch you looking at and admiring other men. When you’re out together make sure you glance over at any attractive men, glance back over to your husband and make sure he caught it. No words need to be spoken but he knows what just went through your mind and knows that you meant him to see it in your eyes. He will LOVE that moment!
  6. Catch him off guard and make him mentally stumble for a second. This is quite possibly my favorite part of this teasing game. There is something so thrilling to be able to say or do something so unexpected that it just brings him to his knees, he struggles for the words, and you can see it in his eyes that he is beyond turned on. It’s almost an artform really. What I mean is, when you are talking about something benign and you slip in a little comment that stops him in his tracks. It could be something about a sexual fantasy or memory of a time with another man…anything like that really. The best story I heard was when a couple was talking about cuckolding fantasies before sex and then during sex, out of nowhere, she says another man’s name. It was so unexpected and yet so incredibly hot that her partner said it was the best sex they ever had. I don’t think he will ever forget that!
  7. Buy a sexy new lingerie set and when you bring it home, watch how excited your husband gets. Just smile and tell him “It’s not for you sweetheart” and immediately have that rush of cuck angst and adoration for you. His mind will be spinning with images of you with another man and wearing that sexy new lingerie.

The list really does go on and on but I think you get the idea. All it takes is a little imagination and creativity and this teasing game can be some of the sexiest fun you and your partner can have. And when we think about the struggles so many couples have with keeping that sexual spark hot as time goes by, these are some easy ways to dial it up a few notches and all the while help you feel loved and connected in the special way that loving cuckolding relationships can. 

Cuckolding is love.

Venus xo